Parental Alienation Syndrome & False Accusations

Over half of all marriages today end in divorce.  Years ago, mothers automatically retained custody of the child and fathers got visitation.  This was due to what was called the "tender years" presumption.

About twenty years ago, the laws were changed to make as easy for a father to obtain custody as it was for a mother.  This change was brought about due to the new "best interests of the child" statutes.  Although at first blush this looked like a progressive change in the law, it has caused many problems.  What has occurred is an increased competition between parents to gain custody because now either parent has a chance for custody.  This competition can become extremely bitter and often results in the creation of false accusations of physical or sexual abuse.  This phenomena has been examined and researched and has now been given the name Parental Alienation Syndrome. 

Parental Alienation Syndrome is where one parent constantly denigrates the other and works to brainwash the children against the denigrated parent. Parental Alienation Syndrome is properly described where this campaign of denigration by one parent against the other takes root in the child, and the child then denigrates the other parent with criticisms that are unjustified or exaggerated.  In this way a polarization takes place and it appears that the child has one loved parent and one hated parent. 

Laymen can very easily see the manifestations of parental alienation, the child always sides with one parent against the other.  What is not so easy to see is the mechanism by which one parent (the loved parent) can alienate or turn the child against the other parent (the hated parent). 

Years ago, Professor Richard Gardner of Columbia University described four causes of parental alienation:

• Brainwashing by the loved parent
• Subconscious and unconscious programming by the loved parent
• Contributions which come wholly from within the child
• Situational factors 

It would take an hour to describe in detail what is involved in these four areas, but here is a shorthand description:  Brainwashing is the mechanism known by most laymen.  Brainwashing is the conscious programming of the child by the loved parent against the other parent.  This is done by a campaign of denigration against the hated parent by calling him an abandoner, an adulterer, an irresponsible home breaker, and so on.  The actual underlying reasons for the divorce are never talked about with the child.  The child is informed that the other parent does not love the child, never spends money on the child, is an alcoholic, is violent or uses drugs.  In brainwashing, the one parent is fully aware that he or she is attempting to turn the child against the other parent. 

Another mechanism is described as "unconscious" factors.  Often, unconscious factors are more effective than brainwashing.  The loved parent or the person who is causing the alienation can profess a total innocence about what they are doing because they in fact do not realize the damage that they are causing.  There are thousands of unconscious factors that can turn a child against a parent.  These include such things as a frightened voice when speaking with the ex-spouse; frivolous reasons for missing visitation, such as a headache or purposefully scheduling events during ex-spouses visitation time; "adultifying" children by allowing them to decide whether or not to visit and then supporting a decision not to visit;  making children feel guilty about time spent with the ex-spouse by telling them how much they’ll be missed if they go; having continuous arguments with the ex-spouse in front of the child concerning visitation or money. 

Another major alienating factor is moving away from the hated parent to "find better employment" when the true underlying reason for the move is to destroy the amount of time that the ex-spouse can spend with the child. 

A long campaign of subconscious programming is more effective than overt brainwashing, as it destroys the bond between the ex-spouse and the child.

Another factor that influences a child to make denigrating comments and false accusations is one that is not normally recognized. This involves factors within the child that are independent of the parents.  The child who has a basic psychological bond with one parent that is stronger than that with the hated parent may go to great lengths to maintain that bond with the loved parent.  Remember, the child feels that they were once abandoned by the hated parent when the divorce occurred. 

The child who does not want to be abandoned a second time takes sides against the hated parent and will do anything to maintain the bond with the loved parent.  One of the ways this is accomplished is by making complaints against the hated parent.  The child then gathers support from the loved parent.  Often we find that the child is fearful of expressing love for the hated parent, for fear that it will displease the loved parent.  This process can cause complaints that can start out as minor, but when a child custody battle becomes ferocious, the small complaints can escalate into accusations of child abuse. 

Situational factors are another mechanism for parental alienation.  In difficult custody circumstances, we often see a false accusation made at one of two moments.  One of these moments is just prior to the child custody hearing.  Another is just prior to the wedding of the ex-spouse to another woman or man.  These events can challenge the status quo of the child and precipitate a false accusation. You’d be amazed at the gullibility of people who believe that a father for twelve years with no prior molest accusation would molest his daughter a week before a child custody hearing. 

In order to understand parental alienation one must understand the motivation of the alienating parent.  It is not love for his or her children, but revenge against their ex-spouse that motivates alienators in these circumstances.  If the alienating parent really loved their children they would realize that having a healthy relationship with both parents is what is in the best interest of the child.  Instead, they continue to war with the ex-spouse through the child.  The obsessive love for the child is a cover for the feelings of hatred towards the ex-spouse.  We use the parental alienation syndrome process and the research that supports this description, to show that there is another explanation for the accusations that have been made against the hated parent.